I find myself sitting on my chair every day thinking about my past, present and future. But I think about my past more than anything else. At night I let my mind wander and I start thinking of the day I found out I had the HIV virus.

Since I was fourteen I've always wanted to finish school and get a fairly decent job. I also wanted a husband, someone I could talk to, someone I could have fun with, and someone to love me. I wanted to have kids and watch them grow up and have fun. And I wanted to see my grandchildren also. I was young, though, and I didn't know any better. I should have asked about his sexual background. I shouldn't have gone out with him in the first place. Big mistake! Gosh I was even one of the most popular girls in school. And I let that pervert take it all away from me! If I had a chance I would go back and change things all over again, but I can't. My mother was right. If only I had listened to her. My thoughts were all wrong.

Anyway, one day when I was fifteen there was this program in school about AIDS and the HIV virus. The presenters told us about how we could get the virus and they repeated over and over that there was no cure for it. They kept on talking and I thought to myself that I wouldn't get the virus. I'm too careful. Then I thought, just for the fun of it I would get myself checked. But when I got the results a horrible feeling of terror and fright came over me. I didn't think it was true until I saw Doctor Dew's signature at the bottom of the page. And then I didn't know what to do or how I would tell my mom. I didn't know what to tell my boyfriend, either, or my other friends. Just thinking about how they would act towards me and what they would think of me made me shudder. The next day when I told my mom about the results, I just blurted it out. She thought I was joking about it. But when I showed her the paper with the results she could only tell me I should have listened to her in the first place. Now I'll have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life, however long that might be.

My sixteenth birthday wasn't so sweet, but I acted like it was. I had to go to the hospital for therapy which didn't help much. I wanted to live a normal life like everybody else. If I could only turn back the time, I thought. My mom still talks to me about it, and it makes me mad because I really don't like to think about it. My high school friends used to be scared to be around me. They tried not to act like it, though, but I knew just by looking at them, by the fright in their eyes and their fake smiles. Sometimes I even scared myself. Just the thoughts of death, of losing everybody, or of everybody losing me. How would my parents feel, and my friends? And everybody that knew me? Doctor Dew told me not to let it bother me. He said to just continue being myself, and have fun. So I ignore what people say to me, even though some people tell me such queer things.

Gosh, my whole life is destroyed. If wishes could come true and dreams! If only I didn't have the HIV virus!

By: Cheryl Hunter

The proportion of teenage girls with AIDS more than doubled between 1987 and 1994.